Wednesday, January 10, 2007

it has not been

and it will not be one of those winters (at least not figuratively - we will have to see what happens in the real world).

See this is the time of the year, that I often find myself walking down an all too familiar path. I get depressed and restless. I know from dear blog friends that this is a time to embrace the good darkness and I do - in fact, I love grey wintry days - I find them uncommonly beautiful. But somehow the bad darkness sneaks in.

Then I make a series of mistakes that I usually do not step out of until mid-fall.

I will not walk go down those paths this winter. I will not get up to here in those mistakes. I won't. I need help God because the old feelings that set me up to choose the wrong paths are at war in me. I had to pray myself to sleep last night and I still woke up with 'that' feeling in the pit of my stomach and that restless anger from my youth nibbling around the edges of all the goodness I now know. Only God can divert me, this I know.

Help me, God.

(A photo from January 9 - last year - we can see the ground this year).


  1. ((Me)) Time for a tea ceremony. I wish I could come and have one with you.

  2. Anonymous2:19 AM

    I had that feeling a couple of weeks ago, but fortunately it was brief and probably post-viral blues. Be praying for you. Some more {{{hugs}}}

  3. Grandpa M always said he had to turn the lights on, open all the shades, bundle up and go out for walks.

  4. Emma - oh have a little tea ceremony and eat one of those yummy looking little cakes you made and think of me. It will be the next best thing!!

    Sarah! Thanks for the hug and even greater thanks for praying!

    Oh, UP, I miss Grandpa - things like that always make me miss. I asked hubby the other day if it was dumb how much I miss him. I mean we never saw him tons growing up but just enough. Enough to know how wise he was and enough to experience his eccentricities and foolishnesses. It has been over two years but I still miss him.

    I wasn't sad for him or for anybody else exactly when he died. I had felt and had said as much to hubby and my parents that he was doing little things all the time to let go. He had done what God had put him here to do and he was ready to go home.

    But oh how I miss his presence. Foolish moments that allowed us to know he was a fallen human too. Endearing and often annoying eccentricities. And most of all his gentle wisdom - he was a compassionate and even nurturing man even if he tended to keep his feelings and family and friends about an arms distance.

    Does that make sense?

    Love, Me